Integrity. Righteousness. Honor.

These few words made so much sense back then. (Why not so now?)

I've always lived by that when I was much younger.

Often turning in others for wrong deeds because I believed in making the right choice. No matter how hard the choice was. No matter the consequences of what will happen.

Because in my heart, I always knew it was right. That by doing so, it would serve the greater good and set an example. After all, as a human,

Then, at some point of time later on, I gave it all away for reasons similar to many other who have gone down this path.

Reasons such as

- Unable to bear consequences of making the right choice from the easy one. The consequences were aplenty

I was so ready to give up that life. Ready to abandon a handful of morals and ethics.

To put it correctly, it was giving up faith to the final thread.

And so it became that way for years but along the way, I couldn't live with myself day by day. Every night before sleep, I'd think of the things I did and didnt do. It's not about work done or stuff because of puny reasons such as not liking this person or laziness. Such is the conscience that weighs down on me everyday.

What was worse was that I always knew the answers to the discontent. The answers to even help others out of the quagmire in their lives.

But I never found the strength to do that.

Occasionally, I would get glimpses of hope and inspiration along the way especially from others. I'd take a look at their everyday lives and learn from there on.

Wish it was as easy as that though.

The only thing that has made me found some self-belief was going for NPCC. Knowing the fact that I was going there to teach others made a difference. But to be a good teacher, you have to practise what you preach (thus I was good at preaching last time. hehe).

But even then, NPCC was weighing me down too. I was unable to perform to my own expectations for the kids.

Then came a much needed break in the form of Vietnam. A clean slate for 2 months. A chance to start over in a new environment. A chance to take something and apply it back home in sg. Mission accomplished. Alhamdulillah, I was blessed with a companion to slowly guide me along the way even until now.

The time there allowed me to regroup my thoughts and rethink my way of life. It was like being reborn all over again.

Now at this juncture in my life, I've had the chance to come out of my shell of cowardice. The chance to live with myself once and for all. And it couldn't come at a better time. The next few days will require me to stand before a court as a witness.

Consider this my very first chance and a new leap of faith.

No matter what the consequence are for the future, at least I'll be able to live with myself and answer to The Almighty when the time comes.